through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered . . .

In less disturbing news, you know my resolution to avoid all things Red Sox/Yankees today? Yeah, not so much. The aforementioned coworker Juanita is a Yankee fan, so of course we had to listen. Great game. Exactly what I needed to take my mind off the various Lifetime movie-of-the-week fodder goings-on of the day. I'm too scattered right now to have much to say, but I enjoyed the Yankees' pitching almost as much as I enjoyed the Keystone Kops they had on the field. What was that, six unearned runs? Hee.

14-3. Sweet.

Wow, that bit. Bondo had a shaky outing today, but the offense caught up and we were ahead 6-4. Then Jamie Walker came in and we were ahead 6-5. Then Todd "Rollercoaster" Jones came in, and the Tigers ended up with their first blown save of the season. 6-7 loss. Suck, suck, SUCK. Last minute losses SUCK. Especially when the team worked so hard to get back in it. suuuuuuck.

And of course the Royals couldn't catch lightning in a bottle twice (honestly, it's amazing they managed to win yesterday, so I'm not really mad) and the White Sox won, so we're a game and a half back in the division.

Meanwhile, the Red Sox won, because Rudy Seanez can close a game more effectively than Todd Jones. Well. When he has a six-run lead, anyway. Sox beat Orioles, 9-3. And they are half a game ahead in the division, for a little while longer anyway. Yankees'll win soon, though, and pull back in to tie.

Also, the Astros got shut out by the Rockies. Let's not dwell. They are one game back, and what is up with the Reds leading the division? Clearly we are looking at a Tigers/Reds World Series here. I think we can take 'em.

Rain, rain, go away, because not only did you deprive me of the opportunity to boo Farnsworth last night, you are also killing my chances of seeing a Sea Dogs game this week. You suck.

On the plus side, though, since I've spent the last two nights in a bar to catch these games, the rainout meant that the bartender was able to put the Tigers game on a big huge flat screen TV for me. So I drank Sam Adams and watched giant Tigers. It was pretty awesome, especially the part where we completed our second sweep in a row and are half a game behind the White Sox for first place in the division. And really, it might only be May third, but being that close to first or actually in it is never, ever not awesome. The Tigers are exciting me to death this season, and I freely admit that I've been following them more closely than the Red Sox or the Astros - a perennially sucky team having its first winning April in a decade and its best April record since 1984, when they won the World Series, is quite the attention grabber. Our pitching has been madness and we can't seem to stop hitting homers (Jim Leyland would like to see the Tigers win a few without any homers, and while I have to say I agree, since we're not going to be hitting them all season, I also say why mess with a good thing while you've got it? I ain't complainin'!). And may I add that the three game sweep of the Twinkies featured a run total of 33-1?

The Red Sox were first place in my brain the other night, though, in that first game against the Yankees. (Nice segue, eh? Worthy of Tom Caron, that was.) I will say up front that I expected the Yankees to take both games, since they'd been winning and the Red Sox had been playing like shit, but I forgot two things and did not foresee two others.

* I forgot that the Red Sox are historically "meh" on the road. What do we, end up with a .500 road record if we're lucky? We do the bulk of our winning at Fenway.

* I forgot that the Yankees have no pitching. None. Seriously. They have, like, Mariano Rivera and one of Randy Johnson's knees. I didn't forget this exactly - I have happily used it once or twice to taunt a Yankee fan whose major argument was, "The Red Sox are bums!"; really, it was a waste of good logic - but I did forget that just because their offense can carry them past it sometimes, they still have no pitching, and they were coming up against our offense, and we eat bad pitching for breakfast. I do not especially fear the Yankees this year; they are in an even worse situation pitching-wise than they were last year.

* I did not foresee Doug Mirabelli. Having him come back must have provided a lovely boost in morale, as well as a sense of security - who else in the MLB do we want catching Wake? I know I felt more confident as soon as I learned that we weren't going to have to watch Josh Bard pass a scrillion more balls. That said, however, I have nothing against Bard and I hope he follows in Bronson and Rents's footsteps and plays a million times better than he did with us. Here's to batting .400 and getting a perfect handle on every pitch! *raises coffee mug*

* I did not foresee rain. Can't lose a game you don't play.

I would, by the way, highly recommend the experience of watching a Red Sox/Yankees game in a bar (in Red Sox Nation territory, anyway). When the Sox play any other team, it's a fairly calm atmosphere unless the game gets tense, but when they play the Yankees? It's like we're all in Fenway, charged with energy, cheering every Yankee K and Red Sox hit, booing every piece of defense from the Yankees and stupid call from an ump. Plus, for that particular game, we all got to boo Damon and cheer for Belli. Man, that was fun.

As for the Astros - I understand they've been doing a hell of a lot better than this time last year? Plus, the moratorium on negotiating with Clemens has expired, so hopefully we'll re-sign him soon and I can stop listening to every Boston fan and his mom act like he's coming back here. Sorry, guys, not happening. Clemens has a sweet, sweet deal going in Houston and we'd have to offer him half the Nation and Theo's theoretical daughter's hand in marriage to get him to even consider us seriously for thirty seconds. (I would like to add the caveat that I am always, always wrong when I make a firm baseball prediction, so we can expect the announcement that he's signed with Boston any second now.)

Hey, Red Sox, thanks for sucking ass tonight. No, really. I got a little excited at the library yesterday, so I have a lot of reading to do in the next three weeks if I want to avoid late fees. It's nice to know that my time was better spent reading Battle Royale than listening to the game. Don't do me too many more favors, though.

I am sorry I missed the Tigers game, however. 9-0 win against the Twinkies, featuring Nate "Tonight I am ON, bitches" Robertson throwing seven sexy innings, Carlos Guillen racking up for RBI, Marcus Thames ending a slump with a homer, and that Shelton kid getting homer number 472389 (thank you, Yahoo! Fantasy, for putting him on my team!). Mmm, pitching and offense. Red Sox, watch this game and take some notes.

BASEBALL.

I have been remiss in posting, I know, for reasons including lack of sleep and a loaner copy of Sims 2 (which are not quite as related as you might think, believe it or not). But. Baseball.

. . . yeah, I'm sleep deprived practically to the point of hallucination, so this may not make a lot of sense, but I will try.

Okay. I am currently lacking the money for cable, so I had to go out to a sports bar to watch the game. (I had specifically asked for today off, of course.) And once there, I naturally had to buy food and beer to justify my presence. Poor me.

First of all: Am I seriously going to have to listen to bullshit speculation about Roger Clemens for the next two or three months? Dear Boston media, HE IS COMING BACK TO HOUSTON. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. GET OVER IT. At least Remy had the sense to point that out.

Whiiiich, oh Remy and Orsillo, I miiiiissed you. I didn't see any of the spring training games, so I haven't heard those two call a game since September. I heard their voices as soon as I opened the door to the bar, and I about cried with joy. (Seriously. Part of sleep deprivation for me is the tendency to cry with little to no provocation. Y'all should have seen me weeping over homemade Sims movies last night, it was embarrassing.) There are many reason why I need to get a new job which will give me fulltime hours, and one of the smaller but important reasons is to have NESN again.

The game itself! Was much yay. It was so good to see Schilling pitch well; what did he give up, two runs on three hits and a walk or two in seven innings? With five strikeouts. And Foulke was, uh, well, it would have been a comparatively good outing last year. Just the one run, and not a homer. Hopefully, he'll improve this year rather than decline. It would be so excellent to have something resembling the '04 Foulke out there.

The offense was pretty sweet, too, and watching a game in a bar is so fun. We cheered the hits, Papi's homer, Lowell's homer, Coco's baserunning and the awesome catch he made in (I think) the seventh - good times! The Red Sox won it 7-3 (so we cheered some more), which by the way is the first time since 2000 that they've won an opening day game. Sweet.

Also, to my excitement, the bar had every game they could find playing on their zillions of TVs, so I got to see a teeny bit of the Tigers, too. I about broke my neck craning it, since the TVs were so awkwardly placed, but Tigers!

This one guy did a great doubletake during one of the times I was up watching: "Wait, is that Kenny Rogers with the Tigers?"

Me, dryly: "Yes, yes it is." Hmph. But the game recap tells me that he give up one run on three hits and no walks with five Ks in six innings. Against the Royals, yes, but still - keep that up, Rogers, and maybe next time I won't wince when I have to acknowledge your presence on my team to total strangers.

Oh, and I missed both of them, but Chris Shelton got two homeruns. I caught the replay of the first one and cheered all by myself. It was great. Guillen also got a homer, so the Tigers also won their opening day game, 3-1.

(Then I went out to the mall and experienced the special tedious hell of filling out job applications, but that's not really the important part, is it?)

The 'Stros opener is currently scoreless against the Marlins in the seventh, and I very much enjoy GameCast's new setup. Very pretty, with more graphics, more information, and showing the strike zone and where the pitches went. In other words, they finally woke up and realized their barebones setup wasn't gonna fly with GameDay around. And OMG, they have a little tiny dot that zings around the little tiny field the represent the ball in play! This is the best ever.

Oh, and forget that scoreless thing, because the 'Stros loaded the bases and then got a run on a wild pitch to my Houston boyfriend Morgan Ensberg. Who then flied out, but still! 1-0 Astros going into the eighth.

Tomorrow I will stay home and listen to the Red Sox, and Friday I will trot my paycheck to the bank so I can buy a month of MLBTV which I probably shouldn't do, but oh well and watch Jeremy Bonderman start the Tigers' home opening game on Monday. Which I also asked off special. Because damn, I am a dork.

Edited because, whoa, Hanley Ramirez is playing against the 'Stros. And he definitely just struck out to end the top of the eighth. Wonder if he fell in the mud, too?