through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered . . .

So. It's been a while since I posted, and I haven't been keeping up with my flircle either. Please post a comment here with anything important that I should know from, oh, the last six months or so. I miss and love you all.

So I'm homeless now. I have been for three months. The longer I waited to post here about it, the less I knew how to say it. You've all been so helpful and supportive, both financially and emotionally, that I foolishly felt as though I'd failed you somehow. But that's bullshit and some of my best and oldest friends are here and you deserve to know what's up.

It turns out that homelessness is not the worst possible thing that can happen. You wouldn't know it from the way society freaks the fuck out about it, but it's true. It's not even the worst thing that's happened to me, and I haven't exactly had a rough life. I mean, it's not fun, but I've been more unhappy.

So. Please comment to say hi, fill me in on your life lately, whatever's going on, and I'll try to get back into posting here at least once a month to let you know I'm still around. ♥

I follow about a dozen people on Plurk (also remindmeofthe, if you want to friend me there), and a few of them frustrate me so.

None of them follow me here, as far as I know, so it's safe for me to vent.

A few of them look down on tumblr and tumblr politics, which I can understand! I know that tumblr politics can be in rigid black and white and how aggravating that can be.

But I also know how young tumblr's userbase skews, and I remember how it was when I was a teenager, how everything was black and white and how I knew theoretically that shades of gray existed, but I couldn't practically grasp their existence.

And I tell you what, I wish like hell that I'd known what a lot of kids on tumblr know now. I wish I'd known about feminism and how racism really works and about transphobia and a million other things.

I understand that these things on tumblr can be chafing sometimes, that they are applied so relentlessly it seems like there's no room for gray, but you know why? These people are kids. They don't know yet. They don't have the life experience yet to understand that shades of gray exist.

And as adults, we need to understand this. They'll get to where we are. Not all of them, I know, some people never grow up. But a lot of people do. They'll get to where we are, and they'll use all the amazing things they've learned, and if we're lucky then we'll all change the world.

In the meantime, there's no point in shitting on them, no point in whining about them, it makes me so angry. But there's no point in my expressing that either. So I do it here instead.

(Note that this is only about people I follow on Plurk. If I don't follow you on Plurk, it ain't about you.))

So. As of my last entry, I had a job and a home.

Well, now I only have a home. I made what was in retrospect the colossal mistake, as hours were suddenly and tightly cut from the schedule to the point where I wasn't making enough to live on, of warning my manager that I was looking for another job. I meant the best: I liked K and I didn't want to blindside her by leaving.

Guess I should have guarded myself a little closer, should have taken warning from the way K gossiped to me far more freely than is acceptable from a store manager.

Because after that, my hours (set by an assistant manager, A) started getting tighter with every passing week, until last week I was scheduled for ten hours, a five-hour shift for Saturday and Sunday each. I went in on Friday to get my paycheck, checked the schedule, and discovered that not only was I scheduled for four - FOUR - hours next week, but A had taken it upon herself to change my schedule that week without notifying me, taking away the Sat/Sun shifts and giving me one four-hour shift for that very Friday.

I can't even begin to count the number of unprofessional things going on there. So, since A was the manager in charge that day, when she had a moment, I quit.

And she had the nerve to tell me that maybe I'd get more hours if I wanted to work.

Kids, the teenage girl who stood around doing nothing and who refused to smile at customers was getting more hours. I rest my fucking case.

So I've been applying to more jobs and had a ton of interviews in the past week, and I have another on Wednesday, but in the meantime, I'm scared to death about not being able to pay my rent in October. I just got this place; I don't know what I'll do if I lose it. The thought of having to start all over again makes me so tired.

From basically my entire flist, and god knows we all need memes like this to come along a little more often:

One little compliment can make you feel amazing. So give me a compliment, anything in the entire world, even that my shoelaces are pretty. Put this in your journal. And once you get some comments, put that entry in a memory or tag and when you are feeling down, just go to that entry and this will remind you how great you are.



I know I should do a status update post, and I will eventually. When I have the brain for it. For now: I am not yet homeless, having money I can offer to people in exchange for a spot on their couch is a big help, and my fucking birthday is next Thursday, what the fuck. Also just the fact of all your support in whatever form you could give it has made the difference between feeling like I was screaming into the void and thinking that maybe I'm gonna be okay. Thank you.

I've been drinking, which only means that I have enough courage to tell someone about my situation.

The place I'm living in wants me out. I have a week. I am looking at homelessness.

Why homelessness? Most of my immediate family hasn't got space for another person. The only one who has space is my mother.

Over Christmas, Mom and I had a fight. It wasn't much of a fight, short and small, but it made it clear that she doesn't think my depression is important. Assuming that she would let me live with her? I think I would kill myself within a month. Not because she doesn't love me. She does. But she has had so much fucked up shit to deal with herself this year that I don't think she can handle my shit on top of hers.

So. My depression is bad. But not, in my fucked FUCKED opinion, bad enough. I don't want to die. I don't want to kill myself. It would be easier if I did. Then I could just do it and be over with. That would be nice. But I don't think it's going to happen.

But I still need so much help. I don't even know what I'm asking for. If you want to donate money, I'll give you my PayPal info. If you are a goddamn saint and willing to give me a place to live for an indefinite period while I try to get my shit together - well, you probably don't exist, but if you do, PM me and we can talk.

I'm broke and fucked and scared and I don't want to die but I don't know if I have any other option and help me? Please?

I like how, just as I've gotten used to opening up the text doc and logging whatever I've just watched/read/listened to without even thinking about it, I've also started to just completely forget about actually posting. So here, have like three weeks' worth of stuff wot I consumed.



Week of November 11:

Television:

Sleepy Hollow 1x07 (Abbie, why did you leave the man from the 1700s in charge of the computer? That could only end badly. . . . oh yes, I see. Gotta get your lulz where you can find them, I suppose. Which is why Ichabod being disillusioned w/r/t Jefferson is the BEST.)
Agents of SHIELD 1x07 (C'mon, Fury, you knew that shit wasn't gonna hold forever, right?)
Elementary 2x08
Meganebu 1x07 (What the fuck is this show I love it so much.)

Movies:

Thor: the Dark World (A horrible, horrible cam version, but I can stop hiding from spoilers on tumblr now, because you know I was living on borrowed time there.)

Week of November 18:

Television:

Sleepy Hollow 1x08
Agents of SHIELD 1x08 ("DId I fall asleep?" "For a little while." CUTE, JOSS. REAL CUTE.)
Elementary 2x09 ("To thine ownself, Watson." Polonius is a blowhard, Sherlock. Joan and I both expect better of you than to be taking his advice.)
Doctor Who, "The Day of the Doctor" (That was the most engaged I've been by the show in a long, long while. I mean, it had all the usual problems a Moffat episode has, but it also had all the stuff a good Moffat episode has, and I'm actually kind of excited to see the show take this new narrative direction once Capaldi has properly arrived. Oh god, please don't get my hopes up just to dash them cruelly upon the ground.)
Meganebu 1x08

Movies:

The World's End
Hot Fuzz

Week of November 25:

Television:

Sleepy Hollow 1x09
Agents of SHIELD 1x09 (idk, guys. I've been wanting a Maycentric episode, and technically we got one, buuuut I wanted it to be about May, not about a bunch of people talking about May. Sigh.)
Brooklyn Nine-Nine 1x01-1x10 (Holy shit, I have a new favorite show. My only regret is that I didn't start watching it sooner.)
Meganebu 1x09 (Seriously, this show completes me.)

Podcasts:

Welcome to Night Vale episode 36, "Missing"

Week of October 28:

Television:

Elementary 2x05 (Yeah, so I'm not totally thrilled with the Jen storyline - uninformed consent is not consent - but Jen very clearly is fine with everything, so . . . I guess that's more okay than it could have been? Just be careful of that stuff in the future, Elementary, you're better than that.)
Dracula 1x01
Meganebu 1x05 (Hayata, honey, you may wish to start reconsidering your choice of friends. I'm just saying.)
Elementary 2x06

Podcasts:

Welcome to Night Vale episode 34, "A Beautiful Dream"

Books:

Fangirl, Rainbow Rowell
Hyperbole and a Half, Allie Brosh

Week of October 7:

Podcasts:

Welcome to Night Vale episode 32, "Yellow Helicopters"

Television:

Sleepy Hollow 1x04 (Gettin' tired of Ichabod "Best White Dude Ever" Crane real quick. Abbie and Jenny are fantastic, though.)
Agents of SHIELD 1x03 (I love Skye so much. Agent Board tires me, but unlike Ichabod, he lacks the screen presence to actively get on my nerves.)
Warehouse 13 4x17-4x20 (And then I remembered that I had a month's worth of W13 to catch up on and WOW. Oh wow. I look forward to the conclusion of this story. Also, Anthony Stewart Head is aging like fine wine. I am asexual and I still had to pause the ep to go "damn" during the dramatic Florence-flavored finale scene.)
Elementary 2x03 (Your weekly reminder that Joan Watson is perfect in every way.)
Meganebu 1x02 (I still have no idea wtf this show is doing, but I'm kind of in love with it now?)

Movies:

Pacific Rim (Finally.)

I'm gonna try to get back to doing this weekly again. Really. I remember to record shit as I finish it, but then comes Monday and I forget to post and then it's like Thursday and I figure I may as well wait till next Monday and blah blah here you go.

This is the first September in a long time where I've had multiple shows returning and have picked up some new ones. I'm so used to shows that are either mid-season replacements or on the BBC, which appears to start new seasons whenever the fuck it wants. So this week was fun!



Week of September 9:

Television:

Free! Iwatobi Swim Club 1x10, "Irritated Heart Rate!"

Podcasts:

Welcome to Night Vale episode 31, "A Blinking Light up on the Mountain"

Week of September 16:

Television:

Sleepy Hollow, 1x01 (So I wasn't going to care, but then tumblr said it was good. Tumblr was right. It is fucking AWESOME. It is awesome and it's on FOX so it'll be cancelled in ten episodes so let's enjoy it while we can!)
Free! Iwatobi Swim Club 1x11, "Furious All-Out!"

Movies:

Lilo and Stitch
Thor

Week of September 23:

Television:

Sleepy Hollow 1x02 ("As you know, Bob, we are hoping for many new viewers who missed the pilot episode, so we have a lot of exposition to spout in order to catch them up." Sigh. Abbie's still awesome, though.)
Agents of SHIELD 1x01 (I think it suffered a bit from pilot syndrome, but there's a whole lotta good stuff in there and I think it'll smooth out and come into its own.)
Free! Iwatobi Swim Club 1x12, "Distant Free!" (I don't actually know what that's supposed to mean.)
Elementary 2x01 (Oh, I hadn't realized how much I missed this show.)
Free! Iwatobi Swim Club 1x01-1x08 (Yeah, a rewatch had to happen after that finale.)

Movies:

Lilo and Stitch

And then I fell behind on my media consumption posts for three weeks.



Week of August 19:

NOTHING OOPS well not nothing just nothing I'm willing to admit to so much bad yaoi manga heeeeelp

Week of August 26:

Television:

Chobits, full series (except for the recap episodes. So, okay, turns out Corpse Party was a gateway drug and now I'm dragged back into anime for the first time since my foray into the medium like twelve years ago. What's awesome now, though, is that stuff is so much more available. No more the days of enduring dubs of random quality because finding subtitled shows was like pulling fucking teeth [and when they did turn up, they were more expensive to buy as we still didn't have a DVD player at that point], or buying sketchy third-generation fansubs on VHS from a dude at the comic shop [yes, really], or hearing of a title that sounded amazing but I could only get hold of three episodes or like volume six of the manga. Now, not only can I find anime and manga sources on the internet, many of them are actually legal! And subtitled anime? Fucking swimming in it! Digimon 02 is available subbed now on Netflix. NETFLIX. So anyway, Chobits was one of those titles I wanted so badly back then but could only get bits and pieces of; when I discovered that Netflix had it subbed, I devoured the whole run in two sittings. Was it worth the decade wait? Nnnnnot really. It's fun and all but I was hoping for a little more exploration of the whole "are computers programmed to be people in fact people?" premise. But I did finally, finally get to watch it and that is fucking awesome.)

Podcasts:

Welcome to Night Vale episode thirty, "Dana" (DANAAAAAAAAAAA that is all.)

Week of September 2:

Television:

Kinmoza!, 1x01 (Anime in which a Japanese girl goes to England on a sort of mini-exchange program, befriends the daughter her age despite the language barrier, and leaves; years later, Alice shows up at Shinobu's high school, having learnt to speak Japanese and excited about getting to live in Japan with Shinobu and her family. The scenes set in London are epic Engrish and the view of British culture through a Japanese lens is intriguing and makes me want to watch more to see where it goes. On the other hand, Shinobu is annoying as fuck and I'm not sure I want to put up with any more of her, which is why I haven't tried the second episode yet.)
Free! Iwatobi Swim Club 1x01-1x09 (The other exclamation pointed anime on offer this summer, however, is awesome. It has OTT drama and enjoyable characters and is funny as hell AND AND AND it is specifically designed to cater to women!! It is about a high school swim club, thus making the presence of wet, half-naked, toned, muscular boys extremely important to the plot, and it is all about the female gaze. All about. The female gaze. When was the last time you saw anything dedicated to the female gaze, let alone an entire show? Doesn't do much for me personally, but oh my god it is so so so nice to watch something without having women's bodies and body parts constantly shoved into my face as a blithe reminder that many many many people do not consider me a real human being because I'm a woman. The boys will survive some objectification. It's good for 'em. By which I mean: the misogynistic portion of the anime fanboy fanbase is squealing with rage and it is HILARIOUS. I would love this show even if it weren't good. Which it is! I recommend it with all my heart. You can even watch it legally here! Ad-Block will take care of the ads.)


Books:

"How Green This Land, How Blue This Sea," Mira Grant (for all my whining, I can't stop reading the damn Newsflesh stories when I come across them. This one is easily the most lighthearted of them all, lacking a lot of the shit that pissed me off in all the other ones, and doing crazy things like including queer characters who not responsible for bringing the plague onto mankind! There's even a casual mention of a legal polyamorous marriage with three partners. Plus, zombie kangaroos! I also like the discussion of Australia's response to the zombie apocalypse, which basically boiled down to: "Oh look, something that wants to kill us. That's new and different.")