remindmeofthe | (no subject)

In the process of (slooooowly) rewatching the first series of Torchwood as research of sorts for the Owen in the recent past 'verse (which is chugging along, also slowly), I am up to "Captain Jack Harkness." Yeah, and I'm not spoiler cutting for an episode that aired like two years ago.

Neil Gaiman picked on this episode as evidence of Why The People in Torchwood Season One Are All Too Stupid To Live, and I can't say I'm arguing with his choice here. I don't remember laughing so much at this episode the first time I watched it. But come on. Here we have:

* Owen, back and working after his minor little incident wherein he attempted suicide via weevil, and so clearly unhinged it boggles my brain that Jack actually deemed him fit for duty. Owen is not well. The suicide attempt is very possibly one of his LESSER problems. I would not trust the Owen in this episode to drive me to the store, let alone hang around the Rift and be IN CHARGE, what with being second in command and all.

Of course, Jack's complete inability to read his employees is nothing short of legendary and is indeed a major theme of the first series. Suzie turning homicidal and going mad under the influence of the resurrection gauntlet? Check. Ianto sneaking around taking care of his cybernetic girlfriend, finally being caught at it, and being kept on staff for no discernible reason? Check. Owen having already fucked up one assignment due to his major Issues after Diane's departure? Check. All of this happening right under Jack's nose, often by his hand, when he should be keeping a very, VERY close eye on his staff for signs of cracking under the strain of their highly stressful and utterly crucial jobs? Big fat fucking check. Jack, you are too stupid to live. Owen deserves none of the blame for what happens because he is fucked in the head at the moment. It's all on you.

* Ianto, well aware of how unstable Owen is, doing absolutely nothing to stop him for most of the episode except bitch at him (in Gareth David-Lloyd's very best Determined But Emotional Voice! Cutie pie! Here, have a sweetie!) and stand around utilizing severely pissy body language. I totally cheered when Owen thwacked him with that folder thing. And then when he finally DOES sack up and DO something about Owen's attempts at destroying the world, it's to shoot Owen in the SHOULDER when he is close enough to just jump Owen and when doing so would in fact be far more effective. Ianto, you are too stupid to live.

I think Gwen is the only member of Torchwood who comes out of this episode unscathed, and that's only because she's barely in it.

I haven't even finished watching the ep. I'm just up to the dance and I can't even deal with it because my head is swimming from all the stupid.

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You see now why Special!Jack makes all the sense? *snort*

I honestly think Jack has no concept of how normal 21st century people who didn't have their families wiped out as children and work for the Time Agency - ie, people who aren't HIM or John - work.

And Ianto's complete lack of assertive is why he's all dom in the bedroom, obv.

I fully agree with this. Jack is fucked up beyond mortal comprehension and approaches the world from some psychotic angle we couldn't begin to guess at. Still, though, you'd think he'd develop a learning curve of some kind. You know, "Hey, when Suzie started acting weird and doing crazy things, she ended up committing murder. And then she died. That was all bad. Owen is acting weird and doing crazy things. Perhaps I should handle him differently from how I handled Suzie. Maybe then bad things won't happen." But nope. Apparently not.

Maybe his learning curve is measured in aeons rather than years, making him in actual fact the perfect candidate for immortality. Because it takes him THAT LONG to learn new ideas when the Doctor's not there to impress them upon him.

Of course! In a hundred years, he'll go, ". . . oh. I could have handled that differently."

"Man, is my face red. If I'd been thinking I'd have realised that finding some way to get Owen to talk about his emotional state after Diane left - especially as he'd already been screwed over once by HAVING HIS FIANCE KILLED BY AN ALIEN INFECTION - might have prevented him going mental and possibly helped keep him in line later on. Also if I had been less of a RAGING DICK to most of my employees perhaps they wouldn't have mutinied and opened the Rift and released Abbadon, thus leading to the deaths of many people before I could do my needlessly messianic Space Jesus act."

PAUSE.

"Oh, hey, hot alien chick. Laters!"

Yeah, the whole Katie backstory just makes Jack look even worse, doesn't it? It doesn't exactly take a genius to link Owen's frantic efforts to get Diane back with suppressed and festering grief for his dead fiancée. Still completely beyond Jack, though.

Because everything is obviously secondary to his massive century-long epic grief at being abandoned by the Doctooooooor. What a GIT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OUR HERO.

I kind of want Donna to meet him and call him a bad word.

Donna would cut him down to size. And it would be glorious.

I like to think that once he'd been reduced to rubble he'd fall for her in a sort of "my saviour" way, and she'd just be exasperated. "Yeah, alright, you're quite buff but you're a BLOODY NUISANCE, go away."

Which Jack would only see as a challenge. Everyone falls under the Harkness thrall eventually! He's just going to have to work a little harder, is all.

Meanwhile, Donna and the Doctor: "Do we really have to keep him? Haven't you noticed that he's COMPLETELY annoying?" "Yeah, but it's fun to watch." *thwack*

"He can't die, can he?"

"Technically, no."

"Does that make dangling him in a live volcano morally wrong?"

"... I'm the wrong person to ask about that."

Yes yes but Jack makes out with THE GUY WHOSE IDENTITY HE STOLE, in front of ALL THE MEN UNDER THAT GUY'S COMMAND. And that is clearly the highlight of the episode.

Haha, I didn't even want to get into that. But yeah. I would not like to see what happened in the five minutes after Jack's sparkly departure.

There's an interesting (and quite plausible in my opinion but I admit I'm biased here) theory that the people in the dance hall were frozen by the time of the kiss and that original Jack was somewhat out of time for a moment. I'd rather buy that than the alternative and I don't care if that makes me a wimp. And there's historical precedent for men dancing together when there's a shortage of women - okay so I imagine that it wasn't questioned too closely if some guys seemed to like it more than others. But it is at least handwavable.

And I do admit, this ep? I'm willing to forgive a great deal.

Hm. I can work with that. The frozen in time thing falls solidly into the Torchwood realm of plausibility, and the dance on its own could likely be fobbed off as a joke or something later if need be.

It's infinitely less depressing than the suspicion that the whole "died under enemy fire" story doesn't quite mirror reality.