remindmeofthe | (no subject)

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I have been generally unproductive today, to a generally depressing degree, so I decided that, if nothing else, I would at least get the Les Mis ficbit I keep mentioning typed up. (I'm also working slowly but steadily on the kiss challenge meme! If you haven't gotten an answer from me, don't worry, I'm getting there.) So here it is. It has officially been upgraded from "terrible" to "mediocre." At least, in my opinion, but then I'm sick of freaking looking at it.

This is Valjean/Javert, a strong PG-13 or so, and strictly musicalverse because - say it with me now - book!Javert remembered to bring backup. See, I told you that wasn't as random for me to fixate on as it seemed.

I am warning you, Javert
There is nothing I won't dare
If I have to kill you here -

Valjean will never quite be certain of why he does what he does next. The sneer on Javert's face, perhaps, the man's unshakeable belief that a bit of insignia, a title, will supersede the reality of Valjean's superior strength. The need to put his money where his mouth is and make Javert understand that he controls the situation only as long as Valjean allows him to control it.

Whatever it is, he lunges, knocking Javert's cudgel to the floor before he can bring it around, and grabs Javert by the front of his coat. He shoves Javert back against the wall and uses his own body to pin him there and hold him still.

He realizes in the next instant that he hasn't done himself much good, either. What can he do, this close to Javert, except try to keep him subdued? He can't step back easily without giving Javert a clear shot, and just because Valjean is stronger doesn't mean Javert can't get the advantage and land a solid blow. He stares at Javert's frozen expression, eyes downcast so Valjean can't even look into them and try to guess at what he's thinking and think one step ahead. Now is no time to be standing on principle, not when Valjean's welfare isn't all that's at stake, any second now, any half-second, Javert will have a plan and act on it and Valjean has got to think faster, just clear the panic out of his mind and think -

- then Javert's gaze snaps up to meet his. He's reacting late, Valjean realizes; it's unlike Javert to have taken his eyes off Valjean at all, and now he sees why. It's the first time Valjean has ever seen Javert look at him with anything other than cold suspicion. Now they hold fear colored with desperation, and now Valjean feels the tension in Javert's body shift into something entirely different, and now he suddenly has a whole new range of choices.

He responds before he even thinks. His body moves deliberately, leaning rather than pushing, thigh sliding between Javert's. Javert's eyes widen and he tenses further, grabbing at Valjean's wrists with both hands. Valjean has kept his tight grip on Javert's coat, though, and Javert has no chance of breaking it. Valjean can feel him trying, futilely, to pull away, to bury himself in the wall somehow, but he knows he hasn't misread the inspector's reaction. He has the evidence of that pressing against his thigh. He arches a little, flexing his muscles against Javert, and feels more than hears the hitch in Javert's breathing.

What he's accomplishing he doesn't know, bribery or blackmail; the former won't work, not with Javert, but the latter might. It's buying him time to think, at least, and more importantly time to keep Javert from thinking. He's got Javert off-balance and he must keep him that way. Their gazes are still locked, and already he can see Javert's eyes beginning to clear, so he brings his mouth down on Javert's and rubs hard against him.

Javert shudders. His hands tighten briefly on Valjean's wrists, then go slack, then let go altogether and move to Valjean's shoulders. He tugs down on the fabric of Valjean's coat, as if he can't decide whether to pull him closer or try to push him away. Valjean isn't fooled; he braces himself, becoming solid and immovable, and waits for the shove. It doesn't come. Instead, Javert's hands relax, resting lightly against Valjean's shoulders, and his lips part under Valjean's.

Surprise at Javert's acquiescence disrupts caution and instinct takes over. He uses his hold on Javert's coat to jerk him closer, pushing his tongue into Javert's mouth. Javert shudders again, this time with the faintest of moans, the first sound either of them has made in the impossibly long minute since Valjean first took hold of him. It gives Valjean a spark of confidence. Perhaps he really can make something of this. Perhaps violence won't be needed after all.

Then Javert's teeth come down hard on his tongue.

The sudden shock of pain makes Valjean's entire body flinch, and in that split second of physical inattention Javert shoves hard against his shoulders, sending him stumbling back.

Javert spits on the floor, tinged with red, and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

"You've spent too much time in the company of whores, 24601, if you think you can buy your freedom in that way." His voice doesn't quite hold its usual sting, but the cool disdain is back in his eyes, clashing oddly with his triumphant smirk.

Valjean tastes blood; the ache in his tongue beats in time with his pulse.

"Of course I don't, Javert," he says with tired resignation. His hand curls into a fist at his side.

He'll do what must be done.

I would love some concrit on this. I have lost any and all perspective I might once have had on its actual quality and could really use some outside advice.

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I started off going "eh, it's okay, not your best work" but then Javert bit his tongue and I started to laugh XD

The build-up (from the shove and realization to the kiss, I mean) is really very similar to most other slash-fic I've read. There's only so many ways to describe the physical aspects of that kind of encounter, and all. I hesitate to use "cliche" because it isn't, really, but it's very much "I feel like I've read this before". It didn't seem to fit your usual style, either. Which is... odd. I'm not entirely certain present tense was the one to go with-- that might be part of it?

But then Javert bit his tongue and that kinda made up for the odd not-quite-you writing XD :: cheers on Javert ::

Also, knowing what was likely coming, I read "money where his mouth is" and snickered ;)

Part of that was, uh - accidentally deliberate? The only thing I was sure of with this was that I wanted to subvert the usual adversary slash tropes; you'll note that at no point does Valjean display sexual interest in the proceedings, and the ending isn't exactly standard either. *g* Maybe the generic feel to it was a result of trying for the fake-out? I have no idea. This is more physical than my usual writing, which tends to concentrate more on the characters' thoughts than their actions, so I'm rusty in that department. That could be it, too. I was also conscious of my word choice and trying to sound a little less modern than usual.

I almost always write in present tense these days; I didn't even think about that. Maybe fiddling with the tense would help.

Thanks for this, I appreciate it. :D

I did notice the lack of actual emotional involvement throughout-- maybe that's what was so different. You definitely got the lines you've read before, but without anything backing it. That might be part of what fell a little stale and similar-feeling, that lack of real involvement. Hmmm. It's an interesting challenge, trying to make something engaging when the characters aren't engaged, themselves.

I haven't noticed you writing in present tense XD How funny. But I noticed it here, so maybe that says something.

Hope it helped ^^

...

(he bit his tongue, hahaha XD )

Damn right he did! Just because he's getting off on it doesn't mean he has to stand for it! *g*

You're right about that level of detachment. It comes with Valjean's perspective; he's not thinking much about what's going on because he's so busy with figuring out the next step. Maybe I should try telling it from Javert's perspective. That's where everything is happening, is in his head ~~and trousers~~. *ponders*

Yeah, if the tense is working, you shouldn't notice it unless it's not something you're used to. And even then it shouldn't keep sticking out after you've adjusted.

I tend to agree with this comment. The beginning of this fic read very 'standard slash'; while you did well with the fake-out, I felt half-inclined not to read that far, simply because 'standard slash' is only fun inasmuch as it's sexy. To get the fake-out to work, I am going to need more sexy.

Some suggestions for more sexy (highly biased by my own preferences):

1) Be sparing with language. Trim filler-words, streamline the description, make it flow sharpsmooth and easy. (I tend to treat sexy scenes like action sequences in that I lean toward run-ons, comma splices, etc.; for me, at least, pairing those with streamlined language is ultra-sexy. Tastes differ.)

2) Be careful of standard actions paired with standard words. The point at which I felt like turning back was 'thigh sliding between Javert's,' which is a standard movement-trope for this kind of fic and also a standard way of textualizing it. Same goes for 'arches a little,' 'lips part under Valjean's,' suchlike.

3) Also be careful in how you think about standard textualizations. For example, I find 'arch,' 'hitch,' and 'flex' to be very sexy words--their frequent use gives them strong sexy connotations, and they have excellent sonics; they can maximize sexiness when used well. You don't have to cut them out. You just have to recontextualize them so that the shock of seeing them in new linguistic company becomes thrilling.

Hope this helps?

1) I think I know what you mean here - basically, my standard wanton abuse of the complex-compound sentence is a go? I was conscious of sentence length, actually; I've been trying to vary it more in my fic, because I know I write with wicked long sentences way too much and I need to learn to change it up a little. It's possible this added to the awkwardness of:

2) My great weakness. Well, one of them. To be blunt, I don't write much of this stuff because I hate writing it. I hate the vocabulary that comes with it and anything I come up with ends up sounding hopelessly cliche to me. My lack of practice is definitely a problem here. I want Valjean's sense of distraction to come through here, and I don't want it to be terribly sexy (it's a desperate situation on both sides, and also Fantine's body is RIGHT THERE) but there's a difference between that and just not being very good at this particular kind of writing. I need to figure out what it is and how to apply it.

This is helpful, thanks. I was hoping you'd answer. I take your input on writing quite seriously and I knew you'd have something useful to say. :D

1) No, it is not a go. Give up the conjunctions, the punctuation, whatnot. They break up flow. They pause to give readers time to think about the connections between ideas--let me repeat that: they pause. That is a ... a not go. I'm not saying that this strategy will work, but certainly that you should play with the idea of cutting out 'grammatically correct' out of your criteria.

2) But right now, there's a difference between what the characters' agenda is and what the author's agenda is, yes? And if you're going for a fake-out, you can't act like you're going for a true-to-character exploration of Valjean's head, because then Javert biting his tongue and levering the relationship just isn't shocking--we know this is about hunting for leverage, the tongue-bite is a leverage-grab; it confirms rather than subverts our expectations. Similarly, if you're going for a true-to-character exploration of Valjean's head, you may lose some of the audience-shocking value of the fakeout--you're not trying to subvert our expectations anymore, but rather to explain in what context those expectations are coming about. Does that make sense?

1. Aha, gotcha. I do tend to play with grammar for emphasis in my stories, so - lack of grammar for lack of emphasis? That's not quite right, but I think I'm following you now. (Also: "That is a not go" may have me giggling off and on for the rest of the evening. Well put!)

2. Yes, this makes perfect sense. I'm trying to do one thing and the characters are trying to do another and THAT NEVER WORKS. I got so carried away I somehow managed to forget that. How embarrassing. XD

1. *nodnodnod* Yes, that is what I was trying to say. Just as an experiment. ^_^;; (HA. Glad to hear it!)

2. I've done it so many times. I'm particularly sensitive to it lately, because I just gave my girlfriend a twenty-year character development arc for our RPG ... which got entirely derailed within the first three months when we started playing. It was quite frustrating. But educational!

1. Ah, good. I'll keep that in mind.

2. I don't do it that much with fic, possibly because the majority of my stuff is character-driven anyway, so my agenda consists entirely of letting the characters do their thing. Fic where stuff actually, like, happens, though, that's dangerous. *g*

And the RPG thing made me laugh because I've played in games where you can barely plan two days ahead. I have no idea how people can plan by months or years, because the minutiae of the game does not care what your plans are. I just had this kind of funny thing happen where I had put on my character precisely the amount of stress and angst he could handle, and I was orchestrating the balancing act not half-badly . . . and then another character had a plot that came out of left field to topple everything over. I've had to do some interesting scrambling to keep my boy from going crazy. Or, well, staying crazy. I'd just totally forgotten that I wasn't RPing in a vacuum.

. . . soooo, it goes without saying that, when I eventually bring Javert into Milliways (. . . yep), I'm starting in Montreuil-sur-mer and going through the next ten years of canon, because it's not like that's the very definition of planning years ahead and having to stick to it no matter what. I really don't know what's wrong with me.

*grin* I'm a low-drama RP-er, usually, so my characters tend to be more high-functioning than I understand is customary. And even then, the only reason (that I thought) I could give a twenty-year arc was because the character was so tangential--he only appeared in an alternate universe--and so hermit-like that he could basically be assumed to be doing things that I could predict for at least seven years of the timeline. Then suddenly he got his act together, moved, joined AA, and got tracked down by his ex (whom my girlfriend plays) ... and everything changed. I had to scrap the next twenty-odd years of my mental timeline for him. Which was fun. ^_______^

You're interesting, that's all.

Yeah, I made the dubious choice of a) playing a character from The Fix, which, being a satire its own creators describe as "trashy," PILES THE DRAMA ON WITH A TROWEL, like, I'd be embarrassed to make some of this shit up myself, and b) deciding to play it totally straight. So he's a total disaster at the moment, and while I am playing him with the intention of eventually having him become functional and happy, the game has required some interesting improvising. But my OCs have not traditionally been quite so fucked up as poor Cal. At least, not to start with. *innocent whistling*

Characters do like to surprise us like that, don't they? I can't tell you how many times I've been like, ". . . you sure about that? Okaaay."

"Interesting" is a word for it, I suppose. XD

You don't have to tell me. I know. And I love it. XD

Man, me too. If the characters only ever do what we expect, then we're doing something wrong.

I somehow missed your kiss meme so I jumped in and did it anyway even though it's like a week later. So there.

I have no idea what Les Mis is about, beyond the obvious. So - nice writing! Of course.

I like how you tell me this here like I won't have gotten the e-mail alert for the other comment. ;)

Thanks!

Hey, you never know! Just covering my bases. Actually, I think I left this comment because I thought you might not see my other comment because it was on a week-old post? Or something. :P

Welcome!

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