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Still not cutting for two year old spoilers! If you haven't seen Torchwood and are planning to, just scroll on past.

So I'm up to "End of Days" now in the Torchwood series one rewatchathon (uh, if you can use -athon to mean "thing that takes place slowly over a month and a half) and I just gotta say this: After spending the better part of an episode watching Jack throw his vaguely defined inhibitions to the wind and be the enormous dickbag we all know he is, watching the team tell him to go fuck himself and then Owen shooting him in the head is THE BEST THING EVER. Right now, this is my favorite moment in the history of television. Seriously, I know they're being a bunch of morons and Jack's natural dickitude was enhanced in this episode solely for the sake of lending tension, but I DON'T CARE BECAUSE TAKE THAT JACK AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Okay, I have to go watch the shooting eleventy times now. :D

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*giggle* It's a shame there wasn't an actual reason for ramping up Jack's dickitude in that episode ... maybe he was wangsting over Original Flavour Jack, maybe he just had Immortal Man PMS or something ... it's amazing how often he acts like a spoilt toddler.

Oh, man, I know. The beauty of this episode is that normally, I would just be irritated at the writers forcing a character to act a certain way for the sake of the plot, BECAUSE that usually results in OOC behavior. But this? Totally IC for Jack. I absolutely believe that he would sneer and blame Owen for opening the Rift rather than accept his share of responsibility for putting an unstable employee back on the job in the first place, and that he would lash out and say pointlessly cruel things when the others refuse to give him power over them. (Also, man, "Fragments" makes his remark to Tosh about Mary even colder, plus it makes her vision of her mother a lot more poignant. I almost wonder if they actually, like, planned that.) That and intense sleep deprivation are why I got so angry at Jack while watching the ep that I kept having to pause it and do something else for a minute, and why his "forgiving" Owen made me want to gag - because it was a perfectly logical extension of how Jack treats his employees all the time.

I had totally forgotten about how Jack acted in this ep, probably because the whole "demon under the Rift" thing made my brain implode from sheer disbelief. "Seriously? A demon? SERIOUSLY? DID I JUST WATCH THIS ENTIRE SERIES TO BE GREETED WITH A FUCKING DEMON? I AM WATCHING SCI-FI. NOT SUPERNATURAL. THE FUCK." That was the only thing I remembered about the entire episode. (And it STILL wasn't as goddamned stupid as "Exit Wounds.")

Personally, between that and the zombification, I think Owen's earned the right to shoot Jack in the head every day. I would enjoy that running gag. "Shut up, Jack." *BLAM!* Stupid fucking Stockholm Syndrome. Bleargh.

"Seriously? A demon? SERIOUSLY? DID I JUST WATCH THIS ENTIRE SERIES TO BE GREETED WITH A FUCKING DEMON? I AM WATCHING SCI-FI. NOT SUPERNATURAL. THE FUCK."

YES. YES. They didn't even bother to do the whole "actually it's an alien" thing. OH GOD, STUPID TORCHWOOD FINALES.

I would enjoy that running gag. "Shut up, Jack." *BLAM!*

*gigglefit* I love that. If I could draw I'd blatantly have that as a theme in a webcomic. Jack gets shot by anyone and everyone whenever he's a dick until he stops BEING one.

Quick, I will name three mythological tropes that have appeared on a show and you will try to guess whether I am talking about Torchwood or Supernatural: Demons, ghosts, and zombies.

YOU CAN'T DO IT CAN YOU.

Jack gets shot by anyone and everyone whenever he's a dick until he stops BEING one.

YES. Eventually even JACK would have to get the hint. Eventually.

Have there been faires on SPN yet? Because I think TW may actually be LEADING on the supernatural bollocks front. WHYEEEEEEE. How hard is it to have a credible alien threat or time bollocks? HOW HARD? DR WHO MANAGED IT FOR THIRTY YEARS.

Somehow I think he'd only manage it if it was the Doctor shooting him, and the Doctor was just standing there shooting him and shouting "STOP BEING A DICK" and then as soon at Jack regenerated PUNCHING him in the face and shooting him and saying "STOP BEING A DICK, JACK". MAYBE.

No, Supernatural has not done fairies. I kind of wish it would, though, if only because Dean would laugh for about six years while Sam was all pissy at him trying to show him the research about how fairies are SERIOUS BUSINESS. That would be pretty awesome. Especially since Peter J Hammond would not be writing the episode.

If the Doctor is really and truly invested in helping humanity, he would do this. Fewer people would die needlessly if Jack stopped being a dick.

PJH cannot write a whole decent episode to save his miserable skin. *spit* It's embarrassing. There are GOOD TV writers in the UK I swear there are. Why won't they employ them on TW? WHYEEE?

Trufax. I think many people would chip in with bullets.

Because they'd show up Chibnall, of course.

Oh, no question. Owen would be standing by as medic to monitor the Doctor for signs of excessive fatigue or carpal tunnel, Ianto would be on maximum alert at the espresso machine, Tosh would be collating data to create an algorithm to predict how many more shootings Jack would require before it all worked, and Gwen would keep the ammo coming and rush up different guns if the Doctor found himself in the mood to switch models ("I've never tried an AK-47 before."). Torchwood CAN function as a team when they really have to come together on something.

*snort* At least RTD employs Moffat occasionally, even though that DOES make him look worse by comparison.

And that something is Tough Love Curing Jack of his dickishness! Ingenius.

Well, they can't kill him, so they have to take a different approach. It's for his own good, really. He'll realize one day that they did him a favor.

Yeah, but he's Jack. He'll start getting off on it if they leave him to it for long enough. And one can never underestimate how much he looooooves spending any kind of time with the Doctor.

(watched a vid recently which cemented my theory that a) Jack has SRS Daddy Issues and b) desperately wants the Doctor to be Daddy).

It's true. They'll have to take turns or something. Or maybe employ some sort of random conditioning, so he never knows when, where, who, or with what weapon. Or how long it will take. So it will, in theory, be easier to behave than to end up dead at the most inconvenient moment possible.

That's more like it, aye. He'll be all "lalalala dickish - KAPOW, DEAD". And just to make it really sink in, Ianto can withold sex. Muahahha.

Yes. And they can all make a big deal about how they would totally sleep with Jack except, you know, he's such a dick. Which is a shame, because they're sure he'd be a lovely addition to their weekly orgy.

"We'd love to spend hours screwing you in new and interesting ways but the fact is that when you're being a ginormous cockweasel you stop being at all attractive. I mean, Ianto even loses his wood. And think how upset that leaves the rest of us!"

He'd start behaving so fast everyone would get whiplash.

Think of the back-peddling Owen would have to do!

(Btw, LOVING Everyone Says Hello, so thank you for uploading that, too)

Pfft, Owen would do no such thing. He'd be too busy keeping a close eye on Jack because he wouldn't trust him as far as he could throw Myfanwy.

Good to hear. :D I really enjoyed that one myself. Loved how it went from funny to creepy on the turn of a dime. Or, like, whatever bit of coinage you have that's tiniest.

Good point.

That would be the 5 penny piece! Tiny shiny little bugger. Oh, and I love the snark and am SRSLY impressed with how good the boy is at the voices. Half the time I forget it's him ... doing Tosh or Ianto.

And he would be right. You know Jack could only keep up the good boy act for so long.

I know! And I love the different voices and accents for the bit characters, and the creepily uniform monotones for all the hellos. It's fun to listen to, plus it makes for a nice auditory cue as to who's talking and what's going on. My biggest complaint about Barrowman's reading of Another Life was that I kept losing track of who was saying what in conversations without many indicators, so I had extra appreciation for Gorman making the differentiations.

And then they'd have to punish him by witholding not only sex but also Ianto's coffee, and pizza, and even the sight of Ianto at all. Maybe Owen would taunt him by wandering in wearing one of Ianto's shirts. "Oh yeah, *I* did him last night."

And I love the different voices and accents for the bit characters - Yeah, he's brilliant at that. It's keeping me abreast of who is saying what. He seems to have a real knack for it.

The icon had to be made. I'm just sorry I couldn't get a better cap of Rhys holding the chainsaw.

Owen would do that frequently. "He's picked up this new trick with his tongue, unbelieveable. I haven't come so hard in ages. Right, better go get my paperwork out of the way." And having destroyed Jack's concentration for the day, he disappears to the medical bay with a smirk.

I have to admit I thought it at the time.

Wanders off - licking his lips and looking thoughtful.

And really, Owen's going to want to watch himself, since a Jack being denied his daily dose of Ianto might opt to pursue other interesting targets instead. Such as the ones making insinuations about their sex lives.

THIS is why Jack is tied up.

That has to be used sparingly, though, as he enjoys it too much. Emergency situations only.

I imagine that if they *do* have to lock him in the containment chamber they need someone to make sure he's not wanking himself unconscious, too ...

But of course, though I do have to wonder exactly how such a thing would be accomplished. I guess they'd have to have a sort of chastity belt restraint installed. Which would be a really entertaining entry in the expense account.

I'm pretty sure Ianto must already have bought one. Just as a sort of general precaution. :D

Of course. And Owen's just like, "I really don't want to know if that's already been used."

And you know it has been, because even before all this started Ianto was into kinky "denying Jack orgasms" sex. :)

Well, that goes without saying. Although it should be said. Frequently. In detail.

Just saying.

I think I'm going to write that.

I think that would be advisable.

After a few weeks Jack even came to find the word "NO" faintly arousing. He understood the link between the events, of course - too much flirtation with other people and his psycho-possessive coffee-making employee-he'd-been-fucking wouldn't let him come. At all.

Which he might have viewed as entirely unfair - he was a free agent, after all, Jack Fucking Harkness, intergalactic tart and congenital flirt, no more capable of monogamy than Ianto was of sharing nicely - but he actually kinda looked the look on Ianto's face when, on the brink of letting go, Jack asked, "May I?"

And Ianto said, "No."

That is an excellent start. Now to combat that distraction problem and buckle down!

Oh my GOD. I cannot believe that YOU just told ME to deal with my distraction problem!

*snickersnort*. :D

I am not unaware of the pot/kettle parallel. :D

Oh ho yes. :D

But I have ADD. If I weren't distracted by something every minute and a half, it would be cause for considerable alarm. :D

So: be undistracted! Because I can't. ;_;

I can siphon off my appalling tunnel-vision for your use if you want. Warning: It never attaches to the right bloody thing.

I shall ponder your offer for the next twelve seconds before I get distracted by a shiny thi

Reminds me of Theatre Studies. "Hey, Del, look over there. A DISTRACTION!"

I would fall for that EVERY TIME. Even after I started using it myself.

I totally did.

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